The Truth About Becoming a Parent

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The truth about parenthood is hard. It was for me. As it is not easy at all to define what it is like becoming a parent. It's not a moment; to me, it was a difficult process that started with a shock.

If you talk to people, they will generally say that children are sweet, they are the love of their lives, and that babies are cute. And let's be honest: who does thorough, and I mean real thorough research before committing oneself to having a child? There is a lot to prepare for, you don't even know where to start, and mostly, you are listening to horror stories about giving birth. It kind of feels as if that is the scariest part and if you survive, all will be well.

I decided to give birth naturally, and yes, it was extremely painful. I have no idea how we really survive it. Some will now raise their eyebrows and say that you quickly forget about it or that it is the miracle of giving life. I will reply with a dear friend's confession who needed months to emotionally and physically recover from her labour and the process of giving birth. I still did not get over her story. And let's be honest, it is a messy business. There was nothing emotional in it for me as the pain suppressed everything else. It will sound harsh, but you really concentrate on surviving.

I ask you not to misunderstand me at this point. I love my daughter more than life. And she really is my sunshine. But from the point my labour started and I got home with a tiny, fragile human being, I was furious. Our children, as I started elaborating above, represent hope, love, innocence, future, and they carry on what's left of us when we are gone. They will be the wheel that is turning this world, our electricians, builders, doctors, or the loved ones who will look after us when we no longer have the strength. Our legacy. Judging purely by these facts, they seem quite crucial in our lives. Not to mention of course the much more important, emotional side of being a parent and what they mean to us. So why then is nothing and nobody preparing us how to make sure we look after them well and set them on the right path?

I have always loved school. So much so that I became a teacher. I have studied for almost three decades. In my career, I've been in all levels of education, in many countries, teaching different subjects, students with different abilities, disabilities and working with a huge variety of curriculums. What was your education like? What do you remember learning? I went to the best school in the area. I personally remember the long hours spent over studying the phylogenetic system of pine trees and all their latin names, how to program in obsolete systems like Basic and Pascal or the endless classes of calculating the speed of obscure, falling objects. But I surely do not recall anything about teaching how to give and receive respect, find a good job or raise a small child. I can't stop asking myself why? Yes, our parents teach us, but surely, there should be some tiny contribution from the educational system as well? It's only 15-18-25 years that we spend there...And let's not forget that many people lose their parents by the time they have children. Who is to help them?

So as we got home with the baby, for the first time in my life, I was really scared. Shocked. I always said you can buy a house, a car, or anything and sell it; people will come and go in your life and you can change almost anything. The only thing you cannot go back on is a child. Also, I firmly believe you can damage or ruin them only once. And that's for good. I am sure, as I have seen it more than once in my classroom. Not to criticise parents exclusively; extreme poverty or warfare gets the job done as well. There has always been a battle between teachers and parents as to who has the greater responsibility over raising or educating a child. I even have people in my family who asked why they are paying so much money for their child's education if it's them who need to teach them. While I have always thought it is primarily the parents' duty, I never could say it as I did not have children of my own. But now I do. And I am setting my foot.

So there I was, assuming all this responsibility, trembling with fear to do well, whilst being absolutely unprepared for everything that followed. Another friend of mine told me when I asked him what parenthood was like that everything he did before having a child was meaningless whining over problems that afterwards seemed so childish. I smile at his words a lot. How true.

The cold truth is, you cannot be prepared for everything. You will be drastically sleep-deprived perhaps already from day one of your pregnancy, pushed to your limits every single day, maybe twice, and you will become secondary in your own life. As a matter of fact, you will be the last in the line to eat, sleep or take a shower. And it will get to you. The lack of rest, hunger, the stress of a crying, colicky baby for hours whom you know you can't help much will get to you. The loss of your total freedom, to quote another friend. And you will have to manoeuvre through hair-raising advice from health advisors and absolutely imperfect financial situations or healthcare systems. Whilst expected to exclude any stress possible and have the most perfectly balanced diet not to lose the precious milk you are supposed to provide for your child. Another acquaintance of mine said that you are never carefree anymore; you will always fear for your children and so life will never be the same from the day they are born.

Again, do not misunderstand me. I am not trying to frighten here. You cannot possibly prepare with trying to buy things you need or getting through the maze of articles, books, advice and stories out there on childcare. Bear also in mind, everything we learn about it is being continuously updated and changed over the years anyway. But I believe you can get emotionally ready for this journey. If you know roughly what to expect, there are fewer surprises. Don't worry about what kind of cot, bedding, rattle or whatever to buy. Chances are, your baby will not like most of the things you find cute. You'll work it out for her along the way. As I mentioned at the beginning, becoming a parent is a process. And I can say with confidence that it is the most difficult thing I have ever done. You can take the easy way and stuff pacifiers in your child's mouth (in the past they even dipped it in mulled wine or poppy milk), put them in front of the TV set in a bouncer and give them your smartphone to play. Or you can talk to people. Ask as many questions as you need. Listen to their experiences. Observe carefully. And endure. Regarding parenthood, it really is true that what does not kill you makes you stronger. But most of all, spend most of your time with your child and raise a human being whom you look at one day and proudly see the reflection of your hard work in their eyes. It's all that matters.

I wrote mainly about the difficult side of becoming a parent, carrying on in over 1200 words. It is only fair to say something about the pros, too. You might think that this post will now go on even longer, listing all the advantages, but you're wrong. Just hold this difficult, small child I was talking about once in your arms and look at her smile. Do only that much. And I need not write a single word more.