Why Parenthood Has Become So Difficult in the Modern Age
Andy and I were accidentally off together the other day. Usually, we don't see each other often. There was so much to be done around the house that we did not even know where to start. It is difficult to keep everything tidy and be up to date with every single task when you have a child. But I have learned to let go of the huge pressure parents face these days, shut the door behind us and go for a lovely walk in the forest.
I love my home and I feel unbearably uncomfortable if it is in a mess. I tolerate dust and unfolded clothes for a while, but then a sudden rage comes over me, and I drag everything out of the wardrobe, from under the bed and the laundry basket to neatly fold it all and polish every corner of the house. It is not easy to shut the door on all of that and leave it as it is for a person like that. Here's how I learned to embrace parenthood in my own way.
Talking with my mum not so long ago, I brought up my usual topic: how tired I became since Rosie was born. Funny how I thought I knew exhaustion before becoming a parent. In all fairness, I was told about it, but I don't think we realize what it really means before we take on our new roles. At least I didn't.
Then it occurred to me that my great-grandmother had fifteen children. Yes, fifteen.
In that moment, I felt so tiny. Miserable. Incompetent. Naturally, I asked my mum how did great-grandmother cope. She did not have a steamer, a blender, a dishwasher or even a washing machine. And despite having all these gadgets to make life easier, to tell you the truth, most of the time I feel like trying to float just above the surface of the sea of chores and duties. (And I cannot help but feel that I am the only one doing something wrong.)
Mum told me that the times were very different in great-grandmother's time. Several generations lived together, and they were helping each other. The baby was looked after by whoever had some time available. So she spent her time with everyone from the family. The huge responsibility and pressure of parenthood was distributed among all family members.
Caught in the act
But most of all, pressure on parents was not even close to what it is today. Societal expectations to do right on all levels is reaching incredible heights these days: the unrealistic goals require you to look stunning right after birth, cook, clean, wash and iron constantly to keep the house in order, but also not to forget to do the shopping every day, get petrol, look after the garden, pay the bills, send e-mails, answer phone calls, do your hair and nails to look perfect. And the list of expectations just goes on... All the while there is no way to put the baby down even for a minute in the first three months.
And by the time you come to your senses in the next three, it is time to go back to work. Have a child and a family, a beautiful house perhaps with a pet, and a career of course. All simultaneously.
From this point on, there are only two ways to go.
One: keep fighting the current and conform to the expectations.
I had an aunt who had a shining, beautiful home, and her little girl always had beautifully brushed hair and wore sparkly white hair-bows, shoes and dresses. Like a true princess. Needless to say, this had a profound effect on her marriage and the daughter's personality. I never liked either one of them.
Two: say "To hell with everything!", and embrace the beauty of parenthood with full laundry baskets and sticky floors.
I don't know about you, but I am going for the second option.
I'd much rather have someone say uncomfortably: "You have a nice garden. I especially like how you left the grass to grow so tall to make it look natural.." than spend my only free hour of the day mowing the lawn.
Any day, I'd choose playing with my daughter over scrubbing the floors to make them look shiny. Especially now that I had to go back to work, and I have even less time with her.
And if it's not enough that maternity leave is short and we feel the constant urge to comply with the ridiculously high, unrealistic expectations of motherhood, there is this constant rush. Everybody expects everything immediately. There isn't time for anything anymore.
On that note.
This week I was teaching about opinions, and I asked my students if they have ever received invaluable advice from someone in their life. They mentioned a few good things, and the one I am about to share with you is something I received at the time and shared with them in class.
While I was at uni, a friend of mine asked me what I was doing the following weekend and if we could meet. I told him I cannot even begin to think about that, as I was really waiting for Friday to pass to get over my next exam.
Then he asked about the week after that. I told him I had yet another two exams coming up, so I that week was off the table, too. I added that basically, I was waiting for the whole month to pass.
And then he asked me the following: "When are you going to stop waiting for things to pass? Do you ever live for anything in the present?"
That really hit me.
Now I don't believe that there is a right time for anything ever. Unless you have limitless resources and an empty agenda. Waiting to get over hard times and difficult tasks is a complete waste of invaluable time. Things you miss out on are not going to happen again.
And about chasing perfection to avoid being judged by others? I will comfortably tell people to come mow my lawn and scrub the floors if they don't like how everything looks!
I keep reading on mum blogs that it takes a blink of an eye for your child to start school. Next blink, they're 18 or 21. And one day, they leave the family home and perhaps move to a far away land. As I listened, but did not hear the advice on exhaustion after childbirth, I am definitely going to try not make the same mistake again. For that reason, I am finishing writing this moment, and I am off to play with Rosie. Until next time then!
